In Junior High, Seventeen Magazine was where everyone learned what life was about. On bus #5, the boys would read the articles aloud and gag at the appropriate moments, while we girls defended ourselves. The boys would point out things they thought were stupid, and we would point out things that weren’t true at all, at least not in our world. It was our own peer review of the media. Our favorite section was the one in the back where all the personal stories were. We couldn’t get over how stupid most of the people were: How could anyone expect to ever have an honest relationship when a little rogue flatulence could send them running in the other direction? Clearly the boys I was hanging out with knew that girls were just as capable of gas as boys. Thinking back, though, I realize I have a very similar story. Of course, I wasn’t “dating” him, so I don’t think it’s exactly the same, but I did have a huge crush on him, and I certainly never tried to talk to him after the incident…
His name was Tom, and he was dreamy. Soft looking hair, strong jaw, kind smile, etc etc… and I was the casual acquaintance that was as significant to him as a fly on the wall. It was spring, and I was afflicted with the same cold that everyone else in the school had. My body ached, and for its constant dripping, my nose was impressively un-drained. We were in a study hall, and someone mentioned that they would feel a lot better if they could just get their back to crack. Someone else piped up that Tom could crack a back like a pro. Soon he had a line of people waiting for him to crack their backs, and I was in it. Not just because I liked him, I could use a cracking, too.
When it was my turn, I laid on my back with my arms crossed. He placed one hand underneath me, and just when I wasn’t expecting it, he pressed hard on my arms. My mouth was closed. If you ever have trouble getting your kids to blow their noses, this is the way to go. My nose was empty in seconds, and Tom was running to the bathroom to wash his face. No apologies could have righted the situation.
